Learning Outcome #1: Recursive Process
To make my final paper emphasize my argument, I had to restructure my wording to make the argument flow more clearly. In my first draft, I used fill-in words that were not needed and hindered my ability to make my argument. I used the feedback that was given to me during my peer edit and changed certain phrases to make what I was saying clearer and more direct. For example, at the beginning of my second paragraph, I state, “The use of technology in education is increasing, with computers and other devices finding their way into classrooms more often”. To make this statement clearer and direct I changed a few words like “with” to “as” and “finding” to “find” along with deleting “more often” as it was unnecessary to my statement.
Paragraph four was a section that I needed to expand more on and tie back to my thesis regarding AI. This paragraph focused on how AI can give people instant gratification and make people less empathetic. I expanded more on this topic after my quotes explaining how through conversations, we gain our answer but are also provided with the ability to connect with others on an emotional and intellectual level, something that can’t be done through AI.
During revision, I consistently watched how I worded phrases to make sure that my essay flowed. I found that wording is what I struggled the most with as I used a lot of full words. Taking out these fill-in words made my essay flow more and my argument was more clear and therefore stronger. During revision I find it helpful if I read my essay out loud, this helps me decide on what sentences may or may not make sense and if the essay can flow clearly. Not only does it help with clarity, but it also helps with my grammar, such as when a comma is necessary.
Learning. Outcome #2: Integrating Ideas
In my essay, I drew multiple connections between Sherry Turkle’s “The Empathy Diaries” and Nicholas Carr’s “Does the Internet Make You Dumber?” to prove that the Internet is making people superficial and less empathetic towards others. My thesis is that the use of artificial intelligence in education has negative consequences on an individual’s ability to learn, communicate, and form human connections. I use Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr, and others to build an argument that spans different aspects of the issue, from the distraction caused by devices in classrooms to the superficial thinking promoted by instant access to information.
I try to establish a strong connection between the use of artificial intelligence in education and its potential negative consequences on human connections. Drawing on the insights of Sherry Turkle and Nicholas Carr, to link the decrease in face-to-face conversations and the distractions caused by technology to the decline in empathy and critical thinking skills. Nicholas Carr points out that technologies are distracting and hinder students’ ability to concentrate, which impacts students’ ability to comprehend material. He supports his point with a study done at Cornell University, where half the students could use their laptops and the other half could not. The study showed students who were allowed open laptops performed significantly worse on exams than those who were not allowed to have open laptops. While Turkles points out that face-to-face conversations remain a crucial means for gaining deeper insights into perspectives. Turkle emphasizes that “conversations carry more than the details of a subject” (Turkle 382).
This essay shows my ability to draw deep connections between multiple texts. Not only do I connect Carr and Turkle but I also can connect Turkle to Clay Shirky’s “Does the Internet Make You Smarter”. Shirky mentions how we can see anything and everything we want as the “digital media link over a billion people into the same network” (Shirky 1). This can lead to a lack of face-to-face conversations that as Turkle mentions is important to have “open-ended and spontaneous, conversation in which we play with ideas…where empathy and intimacy flourish and social action gains strength” (Turkle 179).
I try to support my argument with my analysis by emphasizing the importance of face-to-face conversations, the impact of technology on concentration and critical thinking, and the potential long-term consequences for societal connections.
Learning Outcome #5 and #6: Citations and Local Revisions
When incorporating quotes into my writing, effective framing is crucial for integrating the external source with your narrative. Proper framing provides context, relevance, and a smooth transition between my thoughts and the quoted material. It allowed me to guide the reader through the quotation, making it an integral part of your argument.
The way I phrase my ideas plays a pivotal role in the clarity and coherence of my writing. Choosing the right words and structuring my sentences thoughtfully can significantly enhance the readability of my essay. In my revision process, I close pay attention to the clarity of my expressions and consider how different phrasings can impact the overall flow of your narrative.
Experimenting with varied phrasing allows me to find the most precise and effective way to convey my thoughts. Keep in mind the target audience and aim for a balance between complexity and accessibility. Clear and concise phrasing not only aids comprehension but also engages the reader, making the essay more compelling and persuasive.
Overall, through the edits that were provided to me, I learned how to make my phrasing clearer and how to properly frame quotes. This helped support my argument and make my essay more clear and flow better.
